Hurt
by louvreangel
Summary: *3x09/4x20, how John actually felt inside. spoilers.* It hurt so much. It unbelievably hurt so much that he couldn't believe it. He never thought he would feel like this ever again...


_**Disclaimer:** I own nothing but this fanfiction. All characters belong to their respectful owners._

 _ **Warning:** It is a very sad story, no happy ending, no fluff._

 _ **A/N:** I wrote this at 3 a.m. at night so there might be mistakes. Just ignore them. Thanks and enjoy! xo_

* * *

 _I hurt myself today_

 _To see if I still feel_

 _I focus on the pain_

 _The only thing that's real_

 _X_

 _Everyone I know_

 _Goes away in the end_

 _And you could have it all_

 _My empire of dirt_

 _I will let you down_

 _I will make you hurt_

 _ **-Johnny Cash**_

 _It hurt._

It unbelievably hurt so much that he couldn't believe it. He never thought he would feel like this ever again. He had been numb for a very long while. Numb, cold, shut everybody out... But somehow this woman managed to break his walls and get underneath his skin easily. It didn't even take him a long time to trust her. That day at the police station was a turning point for his life. He didn't know why but her words gave him... _a reason_. He wanted to get up and continue, he wanted to fight and live. It was so strange, he was lost and she was suddenly like a compass. Their relationship had never been so romantic, chubby or passionate. It had always been complicated but calming; yet he knew one thing and that was that _she mattered_. They cared for each other, a lot. His mind never let him put that into words of course, that was a risky road for both of them. So they just continued the dance they were doing... until yesterday.

Their times were up... or so they thought. He felt like it was finally time, to confess everything, to put it all into words. He was brave enough to do that now. So he said everything that he actually had confessed to himself a long time ago to the woman in front of him. The woman whom he managed to open himself up to after everything with Jessica, after when he thought he wouldn't be able to feel anymore. Everything became crystal clear for both of them when he leaned in and kissed her. It wasn't a passionate kiss, or a needy one. It was a kiss to make her understand _he meant every word he said_. It was a kiss to convey his long-lost feelings to her.

 _Joss Carter was his new beginning._

For years he felt like nothing could hurt him, nothing could tear him apart. Not after all that he's been through.

But on that night, when Carter slowly closed her eyes to face her death in the most tragic way, as he was holding her, he felt like he was dying. The pain was unbearable and it wasn't the physical pain that hurt like hell at that moment. He held her with all his might, like she was his anchor to life. Everything was going perfect, everything was finally looking up. He felt it in every fiber of his body that it was going to be different after all that had happened. It was going to be good. However, in a few minutes, everything went downhill. The minute he saw Simmons coming out of the place he was hiding, he knew he had to act quick. But before he could do anything, he was shot. And so was Carter.

His whole world turned upside down as he crawled beside her, letting her know he was there for her. She could barely talk, her eyes flickering close. God, how awful it felt to see the woman you love slowly die in your arms. Every hope he had, every dream he dreamed, every good feeling he felt vanished into thin air as soon as she drew her last breath. He cried, kissed her forehead and just held her. He wanted nothing but to rewind time and fix it all. She couldn't even managed to say goodbye to her son, to him...

 _It hurt so much._

* * *

He saw her file, _Deceased_ , and decided to look inside the box. There was a cold case, which she didn't succeed to solve appearently and thought he could do this one last thing for her. Everything he was doing was actually for her, and everytime he told himself he was going to move on, each and every one of them were going to be the last one.

He was lying to himself.

So when he saw that cold case, he wanted to solve it, in the memory of her. Fusco asked him if he needed anything or any help, but he just made a banter and kept this whole thing a secret. No Finch, no Fusco, no Shaw... Just him and him only. He needed to be alone for this. No other people needed.

And of course he succeeded. He solved the case, found the murderer and killed him. However, he also got hurt in the process. But everything was fine; Carter was with him. He didn't know _how_ she was there, yet he didn't care. _She was there and that was all that mattered._

It was so hot, he was sweating and Carter was now telling him he was hallucinating, that he hadn't told her anything about how he felt towards Jessica or why he had left her. His mind was frozen, he was trying to think straight but something was blocking it. If he could just... just grasp the reality even a little bit... then maybe...

Then he looked at Carter and knew he didn't want _the reality_ anymore. If these hallucinations were going to last forever, he exactly wanted that. She was right, he hadn't told anyone he was coming here. He shut everybody out, never let anyone in. Probably Finch was looking for him but presumably he was going to die out here with Carter by his side before Finch could find him. He was losing a lot of blood and hypothermia was getting worse and worse every second. Even though he knew he was going to die, he didn't care. He didn't regret not having told anyone about coming here.

He just wanted to feel close to her again and there she was. Hallucination or not, _she was right there_. That was all he wanted. His only wish was to stay with her for a little more while before everything went black.

 _He missed her so much_. Even just looking at her was enough to make him feel _alive_ , although he was dying. He missed her everyday. _Every single day_.

So he asked her to stay and he felt warmth after a very long time when she held his hand. He didn't regret a moment he shared with her in that car, in his mind. This reality, despite bleeding to death, felt so much better and so much more alive. But for her, he was going to hold on. Because she asked him to.

As he was about to lose his consciousness, with a little music coming from background, he saw a car coming from a distance. He didn't need to see the driver to know it was Finch who finally found him.

As soon as he looked beside him and saw she was gone, he instantly felt. A teardrop fell from his right eye, slowly sliding down from his cheek. He couldn't feel his body, only the warmth that came from the teardrop. Everything was a blur afterwards, he didn't remember how he got to the library, all patched up and fine.

"You scared us so much, Mr. Reese. Why did you go out there all alone by yourself?" Finch asked carefully.

But the only answer he got was a small smile.

 _It was a chance to be close to her again and he just didn't want to share that with anyone else_ , that was it. Nobody knew how awful he felt since the day she had died. Of course everyone could empathize with him but it wasn't the same. He was living in the reality, in the world where he had lost her, just when he thought everything was going to be good. Nothing could change that.

He would give everything he had to see her once more.

Joss Carter had been a new beginning for him.

She was now his ending.

 _I love the days we spent together_ _  
_ _Before the old year lost its shine_ _  
_ _I'll keep that memory locked within my heart_ _  
_ _That Happy New Year, you were mine  
_ _ **-Nat King Cole**_


End file.
